According to the experts...

It probably all started when I asked for the epidural, or maybe it was when I failed to even listen to the end of the hypnotherapy for birthing CD that was given to me.


But somewhere along the way I started to do everything wrong...according to the experts.

Don't get me wrong, I had very good intentions of doing everything theoretically and practically accurate. I like to research things. I read all the books, Gina Ford, Pinky, Tizzy, SOS, the list goes on, so I knew what I had to do. But my baby didn't come from a book, she came from me, and I had to make the decisions in the wee hours of the morning.

 Perhaps it started when I gave in to the constant crying and gave Popps a dummy (only for sleep time of course) or maybe it was when I fed her to sleep, in our bed, and let her stay there all night.

ROD FOR YOUR OWN BACK, I hear many of you muttering.

But I have so many rods now that it helps me walk upright and proud.

I rock my babies to sleep, every day, every nap. Today it took me five minutes of my day to rock Imogen to sleep for her nap, phew, that was tough. Could have let her scream for 20 instead I guess (Gina Ford would have).

I love to use a baby sling, depending on the task and location I would use the ergo, baby bjorn, peanut shell - another ROD! But oh how I loved it, and so did my husband. He could go and do anything, stroll around bunnings for 2 hours if he pleased, strap them on and off he goes. Hmmm, can you believe they still both managed to walk by 13 months.

I have packed snack boxes that have contained nothing at all from the bottom of the healthy diet pyramid because we ran out of fruit and I was running late, and I mustn't have been to enough tupperware parties or something but yoghurt just doesn't travel well for me.

I have even used glycerine on a dummy during one incessantly bad crying period (Arabella's, not mine). The four hours sleep we both got was well worth it. Didn't read that from Pinky though.

Ever heard of teething mixture (the one the Ballarat chemist used to make up for desperate mums and express post to you). Yup, GUILTY. In fact, the guilt for using that nearly ate me right up, until I woke from a full four hours sleep for the first time in seven months.

I have raised my voice once or twice, like when my new Stila lipstick was gone, but the freshly painted wall had lipstick kisses all over it and when the plain flour was used to make it look like it had been snowing.

I have opened packets of biscuits while we journey around the supermarket, just to get some peace. Last year, with a three year old and newborn, I left the groceries behind three times, just paid and left. Was so embarrassed had to send Hubbie to get them each time, (if this happens to you, Coles will keep them there for you and even put all your items in the fridge so they don't spoil).

Some other 'experts' , (yes, you Mem Fox) have also criticised us that have gone back to work and used long day care. I work two days a week. What else am I supposed to do with them, just leave them in the Casino carpark?

And, some nights after work we have McDonalds for tea.

According to the parent experts and authors I am a complete and utter failure, who has not done much right. But according to my two precious daughters I am marvellous and as close to perfection as they are ever going to get.