Sorry, but it’s highly likely you are a crap parent.
It’s true. It most likely started during your pregnancy but
in the interests of time let’s just start at the birth of your child. I hear
you didn’t do it right, that is unless you went out behind a tree and birthed
by yourself in a forest devoid of any pollution so that your baby entered a
world of peace and cleanliness without INTERVENTION from anyone who THINKS they
know what is best for you. You see, women have been birthing babies forever and
they never needed any help before, shame on you. Let us not be swayed by those
other facts, you know, the ones that indicate women forced to birth without
assistance or intervention actually die way too often. The WHO report gives a 15
year old female in sub-Saharan Africa a 1 in 40 chance of dying during childbirth
in her lifetime, but still, you could have probably done better at the birth of
your baby.
After birth, you probably did any number of the following
awful things risking your baby’s future. Co-slept, fed to sleep, used a dummy,
used a bottle, drove around in the car to get your baby to sleep, had a glass
of wine and then breastfed, had a glass of wine and then bottle fed. Allowed
your child under 2 to watch TV, had a Grandma who put food on a dummy, swaddled
for too long, swaddled the hips too tight. Used a cot bumper (actually that is
crap parenting), used a baby bath seat, turned your car seat too early, used a
bassinet for too long.
Perhaps at some stage, you also decided to go back to work.
OMFG!
If you didn’t go back to work, well, bigger fool you because
your children are now stuffed, the
research says the children of mothers in the paid work force are all better off.
But maybe you stayed home and made home made
lunches and cakes and protein balls and your child’s lunch box never ever saw a
piece of processed food. Plus, the rest of society kind of relies on your unpaid hours to keep the rest of us afloat. Imagine our community with no parents at home at all, that would be rather shite.
Everyone knows that one in five children are
now obese and this is a really bad state of affairs, one that really, can
probably be blamed on mums who are low on time and using processed foods, hang your head in shame
you working mothers, who cares that your kid might be better off with you working, you have still failed! I bet you even allowed LCM bars and tiny teddies in the
house, probably even blamed the kids, saying that somedays that is all they will eat!
Some of you may have cried when you ‘had’ to leave your kids
at crèche. The guilt was the sign that you are clearly a crap parent, totally
unworthy of such fabulous children. Then again, research shows that kids in
crèche have more books read to them and get exposed to more social interactions
than those at home having babycino’s with Mum, supposedly doing all the craft
activities on Pinterest to help with fine motor skills, but really just playing
iPad.
Perhaps you didn’t take your child to swimming lessons and
now they will only be average at school, because kids who do swim lessons before age five are better at language, numeracy and literacy skills (apparently). It could be you missed music and mummy
classes so now your kid is never going to be able to be good at maths.
I have listened to people sighing and ohhing over the
desperately sad idea of children going out for dinner and using iDevices at the
table. Boo hoo, what will become of the children? Clearly those kids have crap
parents. The same sighing people will then rave about a new educational app that your
child just must have, it will save them from falling below average. You see, the trick
is to never let anyone see your child
using the iDevice, only crap parents allow that to happen. Again, that’s
probably you, failing at this parenting gig again.
And how are your school lunch box skills? Have you mastered
the piece of art that your child deserves to receive each day? Are your
wholegrain organic spelt sandwiches cut into dinosaurs? You do know that the
option of triangles or squares is just not enough mental stimulation for young
growing minds. No wonder your child isn’t eating their lunch if you are
providing them a piece of fruit, it’s your job to get out those cookie cutters
and be original. Excite your child at every opportunity. Anything less is just
another sticker on your crap parenting chart.
Raise your hand if your child has never ever tasted fairy
bread. Now, those of you with a raised hand, you are a crap parent. Every child has
the right to experience the joy of fairy bread.
Now let’s get serious. Schools. If you are at a private primary school, well that is a total waste of money that you could be spending on your
child in better ways, just proving again you are likely a crap parent. (Don't read too far into the research as you my find it slightly skewed).
As for high school, well if you didn’t enrol young Bernie on
to the waiting list before they were six weeks old, you get another crap parent
sticker. What hope does Bernie have if you can’t even get the forms in on time?
If you have a flicker of hope it will be that you are living in the postage
stamp sized boundary of the select entry school.
There are other ways to confirm your crap parenting levels
too. Have you ever:
- Raised your voice in anger at your child?
- Sighed loudly when they needed to go to the toilet just as you and your weeks worth of groceries got to the check out?
- Been too lazy to cook dinner and used the Macca’s drive through?
- Used a babysitter who did not have a police check and CPR certificates?
- Sent the kids to bed in the clothes they fell asleep in, without cleaning their teeth?
- Missed going to the dentist?
- Thought a runny nose was a virus, which became an ear infection in the middle of the night?
- Missed library day at school (two weeks in a row)
- Missed an assembly when your kid got student of the week?
- Have failed to take your children for a cultural diversity trip overseas? (Bali does not count)
- Have failed to take your children camping, outside of a caravan park?
- Don’t have a pet?
You don’t have to admit it out loud, and I
am sorry to be the one to highlight your failings to you, but as you can see,
chances are you are a crap parent.
There is a way to fully redeem
yourself and protect your child from your parenting fails.
Just love your child with all your
might and protect them from harm at all times.
Hug them, cuddle them, laugh
with them, talk to them, listen to them. Keep them warm and snug, and feed them
the best you can. Read books together, take selfies together. Sing badly in the
car and share TicTacs when you get petrol.
In ten years your baby won’t care that you had an epidural or you missed music classes.
In ten years your baby won’t care that you had an epidural or you missed music classes.
Just love your kids.
Don’t hit them.
Don’t let anyone else hit them.
Do stuff together.
The rest is all gonna be ok.
P.S. My blog eats comments very regularly and I hardly ever see them, so I have now turned them off. Join me over on your favourite social site of choice Facebook, Twitter or Instagram to chat more. Thanks for reading.
xx
Just adore this and yes I'm really shitty mum - in fact my son told me I was mean yesterday - bless, how right he is! Here's to imperfect parenting x
ReplyDeleteDid you do something really awful, like make him wear a coat this winter. Miss 6 is very annoyed that the rule is now "no coat, no iPad time", because it really isn't cold lately.
DeleteBrilliant post, Claire! Thanks for putting all of this together in one well-written funny post that makes us all feel perfect. Well done.
ReplyDelete