Thursday, November 8, 2012

Day 19

Day 19 begins

I miss my Dad. So so so much.

I miss him so much that I just don't know what to do with myself. I float around looking half normal, half functioning, even well functioning if you don't look too close. If you don't check you wouldn't know that I am too petrified to go to the supermarket in case a school mum sees me and asks "how was your weekend?" which is all it takes for me to burst into tears.

Unless you live here you might not see that cooking a meal is more than I can manage by the end of the day. So those delightful people who have made me a meal they have no idea just how grateful we all are.

The last place I saw my Dad was the place I work. I am yet to go back in to work and I am not sure how it will go. I know I will still take a look back in the cafe just to check he is not there. Like a small child who thinks this dead stuff is just a game, a game where the dead person eventually jumps out and the game is finally over and everyone just goes back to being normal.

Immy has asked if Poppy will send her a card with a star on it while he is busy up in the sky. Popps doesn't believe people become stars in heaven when they are dead she believes they become ghosts. Who am I to tell either of them what happens when you're dead because no one can tell me the real truth either.

I sit up stupidly late each night trying to think of how I will crawl through this grief. I don't have the answer tonight. Again.

What I do instead is spend hours looking on at houses that I think are filled with happiness. Places that just might be the answer to my sadness. Would moving to a lovely house in the country help? Is a tree change the solution here? There is always that minor worry of employment that keeps us from making any changes of course, but should we just risk it? Throw caution to the ghosts and see where we end up in 12 months time perhaps?

I don't know. I don't have any answers. Best we just make them all up as we go.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


  1. Sweet girl, I am just so sad for you all. It is just shit. xxx

  2. oh dear little sis, .. one step at a time!!

  3. You are right in the thick of it now. This is the worst time, the hardest time, but believe me you will get through this. I'm 2 1/2 years on from losing my mother, and even now if someone who doesn't know asks about her I choke up. Your husband and girls will get you through.

  4. Darling girl. You have me in tears. I know this grief. There is no rule book, no method of doing it "right".

    I changed jobs when my Dad died, and lost a lot of weight, and slept around. I am not sure if any of that healed. But not moving jobs and not losing weight and keeping myself pure wouldn't have helped either.

    I am thinking of you.


  5. I have nothing to give you that will take the pain away. I too ponder the tree change, will life be more fulfilling, slow, cherished. If only the fear factor wasn't so great.

  6. My beautiful friend. Right now all you need to do is keep taking a step and then another and then another. I am here for you and I will keep cooking meals. much love xoxo

  7. Oh Claire! My heart aches for you lovely. I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now. I love that you are sharing how you feel and not keeping it all bottled up inside. Hugs x

  8. Thinking of you Claire - it's such a hard road.

  9. my heart aches for you my lovely.

    Just keep writing. Writing does help.



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