Day 19

Day 19 begins


I miss my Dad. So so so much.

I miss him so much that I just don't know what to do with myself. I float around looking half normal, half functioning, even well functioning if you don't look too close. If you don't check you wouldn't know that I am too petrified to go to the supermarket in case a school mum sees me and asks "how was your weekend?" which is all it takes for me to burst into tears.

Unless you live here you might not see that cooking a meal is more than I can manage by the end of the day. So those delightful people who have made me a meal they have no idea just how grateful we all are.

The last place I saw my Dad was the place I work. I am yet to go back in to work and I am not sure how it will go. I know I will still take a look back in the cafe just to check he is not there. Like a small child who thinks this dead stuff is just a game, a game where the dead person eventually jumps out and the game is finally over and everyone just goes back to being normal.

Immy has asked if Poppy will send her a card with a star on it while he is busy up in the sky. Popps doesn't believe people become stars in heaven when they are dead she believes they become ghosts. Who am I to tell either of them what happens when you're dead because no one can tell me the real truth either.

I sit up stupidly late each night trying to think of how I will crawl through this grief. I don't have the answer tonight. Again.

What I do instead is spend hours looking on realestate.com.au at houses that I think are filled with happiness. Places that just might be the answer to my sadness. Would moving to a lovely house in the country help? Is a tree change the solution here? There is always that minor worry of employment that keeps us from making any changes of course, but should we just risk it? Throw caution to the ghosts and see where we end up in 12 months time perhaps?

I don't know. I don't have any answers. Best we just make them all up as we go.



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