Monday, August 6, 2012

A joke.

This was sent to me in an email. It made me laugh til I cried.

Apologies to those with a more developed sense of humour then mine.

I have left all typos in, it's late, it is not my work, author unknown.



Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this
as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in
advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters
writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise
I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for
something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling
I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion
to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Stuggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking
the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen
by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.

Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around
in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later
found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in
vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle
was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was
a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate
and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up
my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "

Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an
involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the
special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the
ice cream was didn't improve my status....So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-


9 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness! That was brilliant!! I was crying from laughing so hard. Poor bloke but how funny would that have been.

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  2. That was hilarious!!! I have tears in my eyes from laughing. I've sent it off to hubby at work. I'm sure he'll get a kick out of it. LOL!

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  3. i just splurted soup everywhere!!

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  4. I have just laughed so hard my hubby had to get my ventolin... ha!

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  5. I loved it! Thanks for some afternoon laughter needed it today!

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  6. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I don't know which was my favourite bit!! The gay snowman or the bum groove in the ice cream!!!!!

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  7. OMG - most painful but what a fabulous story - thanks for the chuckles - it definitely made me snort ;)

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  8. Oh. My. Lordy. Well that just sent me into a laughing fit. So many ways to describe one's anus. GOLD x

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