Saturday, November 17, 2012

Searching for some sticky tape

I am still pretty broken and when something is broken I am the kind of person that needs to work hard and fast to fix it.

I don't really like things that can't be fixed, especially when the things are people, it is much easier to try and help to fix other people. Much harder to fix yourself.

I am a bit lost at the moment, spending too many hours questioning my entire life. Most of it seems pretty pathetic, I often think how busy I am but I am now left wondering just what I do with all my time. I've always wanted my parents to be proud of me, to delight in what I was doing, on reflection I am not really sure I do all that much. I work a little but I don't save lives, I don't rescue people, I don't provide a community service to anyone.

I blog a bit, and it's fun and an enjoyable past time, but again it really isn't going to affect anyone other than me.

I parent. I do this as well as I can (lately I could be guilty of being less than marvellous) but mostly I think I do an alright job with the parenting gig. I am a wife, not always supportive and not known as one to iron my husbands shirts or be holding his slippers and pipe at the door as he arrives home from work, but not all bad.

That's about it.

I feel like I need to do more, I need to do something, be someone, fix something, save the world or at least one person just for the day.

I need something to be my sticky tape to help put me back together but I just don't know where the sticky tape is at the moment or exactly how much I am going to need.










13 comments:

  1. You know, if you ask me, part of mending it taking the time to just be. It might seem cliche and wishy washy, but allowing yourself time to just stop can be good for the heart.

    Take care, the sticky tape will show up when you least expect it. xo

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  2. So sorry your beautiful Dad died....Im sure you will be broken for awhile yet...sending you love and light to help with the sticky tape...xx

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  3. Hugs , when someone closes dies it is natural to question your own Iife .it takes time to pick up the shattered pieces too. Sending virtual sticky tape xox

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  4. I don't have much wisdom to offer but just know I am here. We also have rolls and rolls of the stuff.....we are pretty good at sticky tape round these parts xxxx

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  5. Claire, I love your blog and it makes me think and it makes me FEEL - so you are making a difference, without even realising it. I know you've had your share of heartache, but hope you know you are not alone. I'm sure I'm not the only one with virtual sticky tape at the ready. Take care - from what I know of you through your blog, I think your Dad would be very proud of the daughter he raised xxx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Cathy - for reading (and commenting) and your kind words. They mean a lot to me.

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  6. Your mothering is one of the most beautiful things you will ever do. I can tell by the way you talk about your folks that they had a great impact on your life.
    As you think about your dear dad remember that you can be to your kids what he was to you.

    I get that it feels like we need something extra sometimes but find confidence in the fact that no one can be your kids mama better than you can and you do a fantastic job.

    xx

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    1. You are so right Rin, and I do feel if I can get the mothering bit as good as possible than everything else will fall into place. I probably should start with getting back to that properly.

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  7. Sounds like you are doing loads to me. But I do know what you mean. I hope you find your sticky tape, and a bit more clarity too xx

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  8. I love you Claire, I don't care if that sounds weird. I want to scoop you up and tell you it will all be ok.

    Thank you for saying you have been questioning your whole life lately. So have I ... nothing MEANS anything, and it's scary because it's true. We all rush around and do this and that and think it's all important but it's not.

    What's important is our family, love, health, food to eat and a place to sleep. All the other stuff is just stuff.

    So much love to you. Thank you so much for writing this post. It really helped me feel not so alone. XXX

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    1. Thanks Eden. So true, Family, Love, Health, Food and Safety are the things we need, the rest of the stuff, the fluff and bubbles it doesn't really do much for me at the moment.

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  9. Oh babe... when that Big Bad Thing that I can't talk about online happened I felt all of this. And over and over again.

    And then just when I thought the tape was sticking it would slip again.

    It takes time to adjust to this new normal, this new normal that you so did NOT want. Be kind to yourself and take all the time that you need.

    x

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  10. I think just getting through right now is the most amazing thing you could possibly do. x

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